In separateness lies the world’s great misery, in compassion sprawls the world’s true strength. We often feel sympathy more easily for fictional characters than for real people. One reason is that sometimes we get to know fictional characters more deeply than our family members and friends. Too often in real life, we keep aspects of our true selves concealed and fail to spot an important opportunity to bond with other human beings.

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How many times has this happened to you? You run into a friend, sometimes a close friend, who says, “How are you doing?” and you say, “Good! How are you?” and the friend say, “Good!” Meanwhile, you’re not doing well at all, and later you find out that your friend hadn’t been doing well.

I’m not telling that we all become confessional and make known our secret fights, fears, and pains with everyone we meet. But I am suggesting that you don’t have to feel alone. When you take a chance and share a hidden part of yourself with someone, it’s amazing how often people respond with.

Whatever you’re feeling, someone else has felt it. Whatever you’re going through, someone else has gone through it. You may feel alone, especially if what you’re experiencing is frightening or painful, but you should assume that you are not alone. We all carry a card in our pocket. We all carry around private pain and regret and fear—the things about ourselves we are most afraid to let others know. What is written on the card in your pocket? Does it say that you were abused or that you are depressed, or that you have an addiction, or that you were unfaithful to your spouse, or that you’ve always been afraid that you’re not good enough?

A useful training is to write what your card would say, then ask yourself: Do I believe that I’m the only person in the world carrying around a card that says this? What would I say to someone right now who hand me a card that says exactly what my card says? Whatever your card says, someone else is carrying around the same card. It’s likely that many people are carrying around the same card, but most of the time we don’t know it. Every person you see today, everyone you interact with, has a card in his or her pocket, and it weighs much more than any piece of paper. This is especially useful to keep in mind when someone mistreats you—when a driver cuts you off then makes a crude gesture, when a co-worker talk down to you, when someone you love is unkind.

Not in the slightest should we stand for unkindness or abuse, but once we are removed from the situation, it can help to remember that all people carry around cards of suffering, even if we may not know what their cards say. It can be easy to judge or pity others when they reveal their sufferings.

Whatever someone else is going through, or has gone through, someday you may too. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. Pain is something all human beings have in common that becomes the most beautiful thing about us.

Imagine a world in which we know each other’s pain and fear. Imagine that they are the most beautiful things about us. Imagine that the very things we’re most ashamed of, that we most want to keep hidden, might bring us together.

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Every new day is another chance to change your life. Step forward and embrace your fears. It is so safe and cozy to spend your days in your beautiful home, never having to face the criticism of others. It is a painful confrontation to learn that we actually simply are afraid of standing before a group of people and share knowledge. Discover hidden dreams in you that are out of sight under a coverlet of satisfaction and comfort.

Know it is time to step out of comfort zone embrace our fear and feeling embarrassment to change. You will be glad that you listened to your gut. You will find so much wisdom and so much more enjoyment in life. Life is not free of stress, doubts, struggles, and disappointment. Embracing your fears does not make them disappear miraculously. They are still there, telling you why you must not do this or that. But you can choose not to be held back by them. Listen to the ramblings of your fears, but follow your own path nevertheless.

So, ask yourself today, what would you like to do, and what fear is holding you back from doing it? We are all afraid of something, each and every one of us. The question is; does your fear prevent you from doing things? Did you never travel abroad because you were afraid of flying? Were you afraid to take a painting class because you felt you’re not talented enough? Have you always dreamt of learning to play an instrument, but felt you’re now too old to start? Make a list of your goals and what fear is holding you back.

Opposites support each other. A desire or challenge will automatically provoke an equal amount of fear. Your dreams and fear belong to each other. Your mind creates a conflict by implying a condition that has to be met first. It tells you that it is impossible to realize your dream. Lots of things can exist side by side, without having to exclude each other. In fact, there is suddenly the option of a compromise between your desire and your fear.

Notice the difference this little change makes? You can do whatever you want and have your feelings and thoughts of fear at the same time. Embracing your fear is so much more effective than fighting it. Fighting will drain your energy, while accepting your fear and still pursuing your path will increase your energy.

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Majority of us have a teensy problem, like there may be a hole in actual brain. We remember every horrible, mean, or marginally rude comment anyone has ever said to us; pretty much perfect, crystalline recall of verbatim, and the positive things certainly out number the negative by about ten to one.

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The compliments and admiration and acknowledgments drop out of our brain almost as soon as they’re put there. There is a name for this cognitive trend, but for now, let’s just call it negativism. It might be the single most damaging mental habit we have to both ourselves and anyone we encounter. It ensures that we feel bad about ourselves and people who feel badly about themselves often have an awfully hard time complimenting, admiring, and acknowledging other people.

I’m interested in stopping this madness. If you are too, let’s try these tips together. As with any mind-bump, first we must notice the problem. Ask, what is the last unkind thing someone said to or about me? What is the last kind thing someone said to me or about me? If the former triggers a flood and the latter a trickle, you might be grappling with this too.

Start making a list every time someone gives you some verbal love, even the lady at the supermarket who admires your sweater and especially the bigger ones; the times when someone says that you have changed their life or gotten them through some excruciating moment. Write all you can remember and then keep up.

Those “you changed my life” comments are especially challenging if you are a negativism sufferer. Just take a moment to absorb what you’ve heard. Repeat the statement to yourself when you’re alone. See the words as a beautiful cloud of love you can let yourself fill with feel. It is a challenging but enlightening practice. It can be something surface like, “I love your shoes.” Experiment with deeper compliments and expressions of appreciation: “I wanted to say how much I admire that you’re always on time–it allows me to feel safe and relaxed around you.” Or “You’re really radiant today.” Doesn’t matter what it is–it just has to be true and not seeking anything in return.

Collect the nice things people say and write and keep them in an actual manila folder we can refer to when we’ve maybe decided that we are the worst.

Tell that person in the mirror all the things you love about her. It might feel funny, but see what happens. You can list your attributes or express appreciation for certain talents and gestures, just as you would write a beloved.

When you are waiting on a line or in a crowd of people at a fair or the mall or walking down the street, see if you can find the happiest people. Don’t over think it. Just scan for smiles. There are back-up studies for this that shows it retrains your brain for noticing more positivity. That is the beautiful thing–once we see and feel the positive things here right this very second stashed in your memory, your inbox, or in a face just outside the window; we start feeling better about ourselves. As Marianne Williamson says: “…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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One important cause of fear is we do not want to face ourselves as we are. We fear ourselves. Look at the system of escapes we have urbanized to liberate ourselves of fear. If the mind tries to overcome fear, to suppress it, discipline it, control it, translate it into terms of something else, there is resistance, there is disagreement, and that clash is a frittering away of energy.

There is no fear in a concept. We are all afraid of something. Fear is always in relation to something. Do we know our own fears like fear of losing job, fear of not having enough food or money, fearing what our neighbors think about us, fear of not being a success, fear of losing status in society, fear of being unloved or scorned. Additionally, we fear of pain and disease, of authority, of never knowing what love is, fear of not being loved, fear of losing wife or children, fear of living in a world that is like death, utter boredom, not living up to the image others have built about us. Do we know our own particular fears? What we usually do about our own fears? Don’t we run away from them or create ideas and images to cover them? To run away from fear is only to increase it.

Fear is one of the greatest problems in life. A mind that is caught in fear lives in bewilderment, in disagreement, and therefore is violent, distorted and aggressive. This mind never ventures to move away from its own patterns of thinking, and this raise insincerity. Until we are free from fear, no amount of climbing highest mountain, inventing different brand of God will free us from fear.

When we watch, what is actually taking place within ourselves and outside of us in this competitive culture in which we live with its desire for power, position, prestige, name, success and all the rest of it, we see fear is not merely on the surface of the mind. To dig deep, we have to go into it deeply, because fear is not merely on the surface of the mind. It requires deep penetration. For deep probing, we need a very sharp intellect, and intellect is not sharpened by arguments or avoidance. Get to the problem step by step by comprehending this whole process of naming system. The name, the word, prevents us from being a human being in relationship with other human beings. Likewise, when we name a feeling, we are not looking at the feeling; we are not totally with the fact.

Are we ever been in the moment of being aware of our own fears? Getting into it a little bit, we name, we give a term to our feelings. When we have a feeling, we name that feeling; call it anger, lust, love, pleasure and naming of the feeling is a process of intellection which prevents from looking at the fact, that is, at the feeling. When we see and say to ourselves the name, we are not looking at the feeling. We have ceased to look at the feeling because the word anger, or lust or love has come between us and the feeling. This is not some difficult intellectual feat but a process of the mind that must be understood. If we were to go into the problem of fear or the problem of authority or the problem of pleasure or the problem of love, we must see that naming, giving a label, prevents us from looking at the fact.

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Unnecessary bad choice happens to everyone, and they keep happening to some. Why? Parents and teachers teach us to say sorry when causing damage and to offer thanks when admitting help. But nobody trains young people, when they have an important decision to make, to ask themselves if they have the knowledge and experience to handle it, and if not, who does and can lend a hand. For varied reasons of defective decision, emotion, social relations, and even biology, people do not attempt to bring the knowledge and experience of others to bear on their problems and challenges, in the service of better decision making.

One reason for this malfunction is a fear of appearing weak. An additional reason is that schoolwork trains you to do problems on your own without consulting anyone, which is considered deception. Still another modern reason is that people think that checking with books or the web are sufficient, neglecting that often good advice critically depends on one’s circumstances and goals, which vary greatly from one person to the next. Good books and web articles can put across principles and specific examples, but not address the great variety of people’s situations.

The main reason that people do not practically seek advice from others is that they just don’t think of it; it’s not a practiced routine. Even when people do take the idea of seeking out advice, they often don’t do it well; it’s not a practiced skill. For example, they might seek advice from only one person in order to avoid the confusion and stress that result from getting contradictory advice.

To become a skilled advice seeker, and thus make improved decisions, it’s helpful to understand that advice consists of much more than solutions to a problem. Advice can consist of potential solutions – information about a specific opening – but it can also provide pointers to helpful people; someone similar to one who went through what we did, readings, or events. Advice can reveal dimensions of a problem that one has not considered; for example, you are not rushed, so rather than just respond to openings, instead identify where you’d like to work and plan how to get in. Advice enables one to proceed with confidence, consider the available options, and deepens social engagement that can be drawn on in the future for mutual aid.

When we have a complicated problem or issue, let us consider whether seeking advice is worthwhile. Advice seeking is a skill that can be honed by learning its principles and best practices, such as how to identify who’s a good advisor. One’s life challenge is not to traverse it alone, but to artfully bring to bear the world’s knowledge and experience on whatever one is undertaking.

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